Friday.
It was indiscribable.
So sad, seeing all my strong friends that i’d never in a million years thought i’d see cry, balling their eyes out.
I am really proud of Nicole & I, we did our speach, didn’t even cry durring it. Got lots of ‘well dones’ by people we’ve never met. It made me feel like I’d actually made an impact on everyone there.
Nadia gave me a rose off Jarrod’s coffin. I was so thankful, just another little thing I have to remember him by.
I pretty much cried hystericly, except i’d ran out of tears from all my crying i’d done the week before.
I’ve been listening to allthe songs that were played that day. especially Bed of Roses - Bon Jovi. Eric, Jarrod’s step dad sung it, he was so strong.
I stayed at Matts with a few people that night. Stayed at Izzy’s Saturday, I was trying to keep my mind busy. Wasn’t until Sunday when I got home the funeral actually hit me, because I was alone. So i went on a two hour walk in the tourential rain just thinking & crying. Met up with Nicole & had a cute d&m to.
Had work on Monday morning, I woke up & said out loud to myself ‘i WILL be happy today’
Wasn’t really looking faward to the shit music they play at work though, it’s ALWAYS the EXACT same songs played every day, all on repeat; Then Bed of Roses came on. Amongst all the regular songs. I’ve never heard it played before.
It made me smile at first, I thought ‘wow, I hope that’s a sign from you Jarrod, I hope you’re trying to tell me you’re happy.’ and i truely do believe that was a sign.
Monday night an old friend came over for a while. He decided to hijack my tattoo gun && tattoo ‘taylah:)’ in green ink on his leg. Well heey, i aint complaiining ;)
I’m feeling really strange emotions at the moment. I’ll be happy, but feeling guilty for being happy. Then I’ll turn into a wreck, && not long after I’ll just be happy again, before the guilt comes back. It’s a vicious cycle & it’s driving me insane. I’m comstantly numb & pretty much feeling invinsible. Don’t ask me why, but i feel like i could do anything and not die. like walk in front of cars in the middle of the road. Which I did several times today.
I walked up to the park today, it was a lovely day. I just sat there, listening to Jarrods music && cried hystericly. And then, juust like that I was happy again. Crazy.
Well there’s my life story, gooodnight!
